Question:
Assalamualaikum ustaz. I would like to ask. What is the ruling of a man proposing to a woman openly in public? Is it contradicting Islamic teaching?
Brief Answer:
The matter of proposing to a woman openly in public is more related to the issue pertaining to local customary practice.
However, our advice is to avoid such doing because it is not an Islamic practice or not even the practice of the Malay society. It is also not a commendable action because Islam highly emphasizes the protection of an individual’s honour.
Proposal through one’s wali is something taught by Islam as well as the Malay Muslim community in Malaysia. This is to protect the honour of both individuals as well as giving enough time for the woman to consider the proposal. This is because we may not know the state of emotion and thought of the woman at that time. It seems like we are putting a big decision in one’s life in such a short period of time. Meanwhile, in Islam, each individual has the right to decide personally.
Explanation:
Alhamdulillah, praise and thanks to Allah for the countless blessings He has blessed us all with. Blessings and salutations to the Prophet Muhammad PBUH, his wives, his family, companions and all those that follow his teachings to the day of judgement.
Khitbah: Manifesting the intention to marry a specific woman, and the woman conveys it to her wali (legal guardian). The manifestation is either conveyed directly from the man himself or through his family. When the proposal is accepted by the woman or her family, hence it is agreed upon.
(Refer al-Fiqh al-Islami wa Adillatuhu, chapter 9, pg 3)
Khitbah (proposal) is the first step to a blissful marriage. When a man is ready to choose a woman to be his wife, he conveys his intention to the woman followed by informing the family. When both parties agreed upon the proposal, an agreement is made by them. The proposal may be done directly from the man himself or through his family.
A proposal may be done in two ways; by literal or figurative speech. There are some conditions needed to be considered before asking the hand of a woman.
- Whether the woman is married or in the period of iddah for raj’ie talaq. They are women prohibited to be proposed to by other men whether using literal or figurative speeches. For married women, the prohibition is crystal clear. While for women who are divorced by raj’ie talaq, the prohibition is based on the verse of al-Quran:
وَبُعُولَتُهُنَّ أَحَقُّ بِرَدِّهِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ إِنْ أَرَادُوا إِصْلَاحًا
And their husbands have more right to take them back in this [period] if they want reconciliation
Surah al-Baqarah (228)
The prohibition to propose to women in iddah for raj’ie talaq is due to the reason that these women are still the wives or at the position of a wife to their husbands as long as they are still in the period of iddah.
(Refer al-Iqna’, 2/414)
While for women in the period of iddah for bain talaq, they are among women who are prohibited to be proposed to using literal speech as long as they are in the period of iddah. However, a proposal by figurative speech is permissible according to the verse of al-Quran:
وَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْكُمْ فِيمَا عَرَّضْتُم بِهِ مِنْ خِطْبَةِ النِّسَاءِ أَوْ أَكْنَنتُمْ فِي أَنفُسِكُمْ
There is no blame upon you for that to which you [indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves.
Surah al-Baqarah (235)
- To not propose over other’s proposal based on the hadith:
لاَ يَخْطُبُ أَحَدُكُمْ عَلَى خِطْبَةِ أَخِيهِ
"Do not ask for a woman in marriage when another Muslim has already done so."
Muwatta’ Imam Malik (1094)
The prohibition is only on situations fitting four criteria which are he knows about another man’s proposal, he already knows the decision to the proposal, it is clear that the woman agreed upon the proposal and the first proposal was done in accordance with shara’. If not, the man is not categorised under this prohibition. (Refer I’anah al-Talibin, 3/268, al-Fiqh al-Manhaji, 2/46)
After the man already verified the status of the woman to be proposed to, only then shall he say his intention if the woman is not among those who are prohibited. We can see here that shara’ only states a clear prohibition on this matter.
However, proposing to a woman openly in public is more related to the Western culture that is not acknowledged by Islam. The Prophet PBUH said:
مَنْ تَشَبَّهَ بِقَوْمٍ فَهُوَ مِنْهُمْ
“He who copies any people is one of them.”
Sunan Abi Dawud (4031)
A resemblance in this matter is not acknowledged as Islam highly emphasizes the protection of an individual’s honour. Conversely, such action opens the door of degrading one’s honour. For further reading on this hadith, kindly refer to IRSYAD AL-HADITH SERIES 302: THE INTERPRETATION OF HADITH ON TASYABBUH (RESEMBLING / IMMITATING OTHERS).
Besides, proposing openly in public will give pressure on both parties; both men and women in accepting and giving the answer in such a short amount of time. While in fact, in Islam, both parties are given the choice to agree or disagree to marry one another. A woman is also given the right to choose her spouse.
In a hadith of the Prophet PBUH:
أَنَّ امْرَأَةً، مِنْ وَلَدِ جَعْفَرٍ تَخَوَّفَتْ أَنْ يُزَوِّجَهَا وَلِيُّهَا وَهْىَ كَارِهَةٌ فَأَرْسَلَتْ إِلَى شَيْخَيْنِ مِنَ الأَنْصَارِ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ وَمُجَمِّعٍ ابْنَىْ جَارِيَةَ قَالاَ فَلاَ تَخْشَيْنَ، فَإِنَّ خَنْسَاءَ بِنْتَ خِذَامٍ أَنْكَحَهَا أَبُوهَا وَهْىَ كَارِهَةٌ، فَرَدَّ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم ذَلِكَ
A woman from the offspring of Ja`far was afraid lest her guardian marries her (to somebody) against her will. So she sent for two elderly men from the Ansar, `AbdurRahman and Mujammi', the two sons of Jariya, and they said to her, "Don't be afraid, for Khansa' bint Khidam was given by her father in marriage against her will, then the Prophet (ﷺ) cancelled that marriage."
Sahih al-Bukhari (6969)
Unwanted matters may be avoided and protection of the honour may be uplifted by proposing through the wali (legal guardian). Islam teaches a man to propose through a wali as it is more ethical, preserving both individuals’ honour and protecting the right of the woman since before the marriage.
Conclusion
The matter of proposing to a woman openly in public is more related to the issue pertaining to local customary practice.
However, our advice is to avoid such doing because it is not an Islamic practice or not even the practice of the Malay society. It is also not a commendable action because Islam highly emphasizes the protection of an individual’s honour.
Proposal through one’s wali is something taught by Islam as well as Malay Muslim community in Malaysia. This is to protect the honour of both individuals as well as giving enough time for the woman to consider the proposal. This is because we may not know the state of emotion and thought of the woman at that time. It seems like we are putting a big decision in one’s life in such a short period of time. Meanwhile, in Islam, each individual has the right to decide personally.
While the ruling of keeping an engagement a secret has already been discussed upon in our past article entitled IRSYAD AL-FATWA SERIES 163: THE RULING OF KEEPING AN ENGAGEMENT A SECRET
Wallahu a’lam.